21 questions: SIM card registration

Dear telecom fraternity,

I hear the communication commission wants to you get all our simcards registered. I've heard ads on the radio saying my simcard will become my address. So on this matter, I have 21 Questions I hope you can help me answer.

21 QUESTIONS
1. Is this true? I mean the part of my sim card becoming my address... scary!
2. Will you actually be able to send my relatives from Kabulasoke to my slum home in Nkere Zone by a mere touch of a button?
3. Is there a possibility that you are planning to advertise my location to all and sundry as long they have my number? and might this include all my stalkers, over zealous fans, weirdos, and the deranged alike?

ADs
4a. How come there are no fancy ads on this? Only one of you is doing a hell of a job of making me queasy about registering... I guess hence these questions.
4b. How come you afford money for all the other ads and simply send me a text to say it is good for me to register? For a record, I don't see the good in registering. One of you at least has the good sense of giving land to some puny lucky winners but the rest of the lot simply say I should walk to the kiosk hand in my details and all will be well. What a really hear is :" Go and sell your soul and all will be well"

Benefits:
5. Where are the  real benefits? Will there be no dropped calls the moment I register?
5b. Will the signal quality improve? Will I get a faster connection?

6. Will the calls be cheaper? Will the interconnection fees be removed for the registered?
7. Will I get faster response from police when in need of their services?
8. Will this bring automatic access to ambulance to my area?
9. Is there any benefit to the user for this new registration drive, anything at all?

Costs
Soon we shall be going to be counted in the national census, from the little bird I heard, it looks like that will also be this year
10. why not simply register  the simcard then?
11. Who pays for the passport photo I must deliver to the registration desk? Most passport photo booths give you 3 instead of 1 and if you are in Kampala that would be leave your wallet 10,000 shillings  lighter.
12. What If I don't have a valid ID? Those are rare in our slums. We all hoped to get IDs from the national ID efforts. Look where that has left us.
13. Did someone say passport? instead of IDs What is that?

Convenience / Efficiency/ forward thinking:
14. Could the network provider please install cameras at their kiosks and take a digital photo?
15. In this day and age should we still be doing paper registration?
16. Why not proper biometrics instead of the tedium of filling registration forms from a couple of million simcards across the country?
17. Have you or the commission taken into account the environmental impact of all that paper work?
18. Are you trying to create more jobs for data entrants plowing through all those pages of data?

Legal:
19. Is it possible that my data may get lost or find its way into the wrong hands?
20.I would like to sign an NDA with the service provider before I register lest my data end up in the wrong hands accidentally. Is that possible?
21. How do we verify that our data is safe?

Origins:
21a. How did we get here? fist mass distribution of almost free simcards and then later a costly registration!
21b. Must we firefight everything? What happened to our planning?

Conclusions:
I see many carts ahead of horses. And we maybe called upon to do biometrics registration in 3-5 years when someone figures it is a better method. Our biodata is valuable, no, it's actually portent. Kindly keep it safe for all our sakes.

Attn: inn keeper

Dear inn keeper,

I am finally coming round to liking your outfit. I think it has a way of growing on you. Perhaps it i s the clueless waitresses and their interesting version of English. It could be the food served in portions enough for a family of 4. I can't seem to point to what it is I like most about this place....

I must confess I was never consulted in the process of choosing a hotel for this trip otherwise I would not have picked yours - don't feel bad, it just wasn't on my list [it still isn't]. When I think Fort Portal, Mountains of the Moon Hotel comes to mind; my imagination sometimes stretches a little further to Ndali Lodge... but never have I ever imagined Tooro resort hotel [ by the way yours doesn't qualify to be called a hotel, not even in the third world country rankings. No please we too know how hotels should look/feel like, well not all of us but that is beside the point]. I digress.

Having spent several nights, in a dormitory (I insist - no decent hotel room of 4X4 meters can accommodate 3 beds - fitting them in their exposes a hint of ingenuity with a  tonne of tenacity and a large helping of greed all deeply seated in your soul), My pleas for change of rooms have finally reached your high office! today I got a change of room, even though I may stay in it for only a day or two, its quite an improvement! I had actually imagined that all rooms use TV as wall art pieces but alas this one actually works. Even if it is not 21 inches as the one in my former room, a whole 14 inches of working T.V. is so much better.

The bathroom here is also quite an improvement: The hot water tap actually delivers hot water. And the soap dish actually  is a soap dish - a contrast to the other one I was used to where the place which should have had the soap dish instead had a toiled roll holder... I'd love to meet your architect and civil engineer!

The bed actually has a blanket and duvet! May God bless you! Perhaps you had me mistaken for a native of these lands who is so used to the near zero temperatures at night. Oh well I am glad we have sorted that out as well.

My food order arrived before I slept!! Is that normal? Well I liked the fish fillet, it was quite a lot compared to the portions proffered in Kampala. The fries were a bit too dry and little greasy but I wasn't too bothered by that. What I was not sure about is the avocado: must is be that hard? I thought I needed to cross a certain great river to find my friends who pronounce chips and fish as "sips and fis".

I am quite happy here and I'm almost sure tonight I'll sleep much better with the promise of a hot shower in the morning and no back pain.

Your forever thankful guest (room 16 formerly in room 13)

PS: why is the t.v, so far from the bed? Is it by design that small TVs should be as far from the viewer as possible? Why is it hanging so high as if to say: NO Touchy! I am straining my eyes a bit to view it. Perhaps a bar stool or a pair of binoculars may solve my predicament?
PPS: are the other channels all not suitable for my age bracket? Why are they off? When I saw the cable connected to it and the dish outside I thought we had Pay tv. All I have here is one channel - National TV. I was hoping for some series and movies tonight... yes?
PPPS: Thanks for including a wardrobe in here, though it about as big as a large coffin, it will do :)
P.....S: I still have no mosquito net.

Letter to the big man...

Dear sir,

I just want to enter a plea (or like one advocate put it, entering a pulley!) concerning the shilling. I am terribly failing to meet the my financial obligations to me, my family and to my creator. you may blame me for being a spendthrift, but I assure you I gave up those good habits long ago. You may blame it on the economy but that is an animal I have failed to understand. You may blame it on the opposition [ some people may even think i belong with them] but i have no idea how those who don't contrl the budget can really be the cause of my financial dilemma!

Last year I quit my Job and took up another which promised to pay more. In deed the job pays more but I am not very happy. There is more month at the end of the money and I am starting to look malnourished.

Can't you curb this monster called inflation? Some have suggested that you are actually causing it by giving many big gifts to your cronies... Can I become your cronies please? I even requested you to be my friend on facebook but it turns out someone else does your facebook for you, besides, you have more fans than U2, how am I supposed to get close to you, you also know that I am an introvert who rarely exerts himself too much on anyone.

Some say because you bought us some big guns and metallic birds to carry them, we can't afford sugar... Did I ever mention that I love flying? Can I pretty please, become one of the flyers of those big guns? But why did you buy those birds, now I can't afford the things I need [strike that, I mean i can barely get by].

I also have an issue on the tax, I do the work and you take out 30% of my money. I have never reclaimed my withholding tax returns. and now that the times are hard, is it possible for me to hold onto the taxes for a little while until things get better? I mean the 30% you take out would go a long way in helping with my situation.

I am told if i was setting up a big building in Kampala I would not pay any tax on materials, etc. I am putting up a relatively big building on my plot in Entebbe... well? Why was I not given any tax breaks? Ok. 3-bedrooms is not 5 storey building but more than 80% of Ugandan may disagree with you on this matter....

I have another brilliant idea: is it possible for me to head one of the ministries where you are channeling a lot of money? I am above 30 years. I am qualified in Energy, Rural industry, rural roads... can e create a ministry for SMIs? Small scale industries? How about state ministry for rural energy and electrification? I can also lead the ministry on labour-based road development... what say you?

Do get back to me on the matter our relationship depends heavily on this.