Travelling economy class

Very soon I will be a millionaire (in dollars/ pounds/ euros) but that day is not today, sadly. On that note, my dear, Adyeri, you don't expect that I can offer much advice on which channels to watch on some 52" led TV in some 7 star hotel in Dubai. Neither can I point out the location of the button to press to recline your giant seat in first class on a Boeing 747 airliner. Nope, to ask me about such things, is to think way too highly of a common mechanic. But so as not to look absolutely stupid about matters of traveling and the dos and don'ts no the matter, here is my guideline to follow, whilst this side of the millionaires' club.

In the taxi:

• Hold your bag close to you.
• Count out your fare before you leave home.
• Do not talk to strangers
• Ignore that phone call.... if you must make it short and quick.
• By all things holy don't slumber, taxis in this country are not for the fainthearted.
• everyone for himself [and herself in your case of course] so you have no business handing your fare to your neighbour to pass it on for you to the conductor. Do it yourself.
• Ask for your change long before you disembark.
• A strong voice helps.... not for the fainthearted remember?
• Did I mention the part about staying awake? What I really meant was STAY AWAKE.

In the taxi park:

• This is not your restaurant so you have no business appeasing your appetite here.
• Your neighbour is not your mother.
• The broker is not out to help you.
• If it looks good to eat, keep walking ahead.
• If it has rained, you should not attempt to use the taxi park.
• Fight a good fight. Don't let go of your purse or bag.
• High heels won't do.

On an upcountry bus:

• Carry your own toilet roll.
• Do your business whenever you find a gas station. To illustrate, permit my digression: A young lady with aristocratic tendencies was en-route to Mombasa in the compay of many ogling young men whose testosterone could be detected miles away. To emphasize her aristcracy class, she quickly developed an accent. Between Nairobi and the National park, they stopped for a quick bite and soon after continued on their journey. While in the park the young lady's face changed. her nose, once high in the air was now fully dilated. She was perspiring profusely as she approched the conductor and demanded gently that the bus be stopped - in Tsavo National park. Of course the conductor did not heed to such a ridiculous idea. But the girl raise her voice now in full panic, almost near tears. The conductor caught the finally understood the magnitude of the situation, but not before the boys who were watching every move the girl made. The bus soon stopped and she jumped off and squatted not so far from the bus, in full view of the other passengers [including the boys], after all this was the Tsavo, famous since 1900s for man-eating beasts. As she loudly carried on with her business, the boys asked, rather loudly whether she had taken any tissue....

• Its good to take the window seat, but not always. Once someone coughed and spat out of a fast moving bus. I was seated on the next row, and I got the spittle in my face due to wind movements.
• Do jump if your leg makes contact with a goat, lamb or calf, it is normal practice. If you find any eggs rolling about on the bus floor, they are yours for keeps. The owners of the chickens in question will have no way of tracing them to you.

On the aero plane:

• You class is at the back, hence the colloquial term: coach
• If there few seats in your sections, you are in the wrong section.
• If your neighbour's chair is not attached to yours [ and you are not in a bi-plane or some small Fokker] you are still in the wrong section.
• you get on first, but you get off last. you might as well stay seated until they say you can leave.
• You won't be allowed to schmooze with the people in the other classes, but they can come and flirt with the people in your section, if they have time between meals, movies and their ipads.
  

In Cheap hotels:

• Expect nothing, that is to say, nothing at all.
• Carry your own soap, toothpaste, towel, bedsheets, and mosquito net.
• Use bottled water - at least for brushing your teeth.
• If you need entertainment carry it as well.
• Practice how to use a latrine, it may help.
• Flagyl is your friend in deed. Never forget it at home.
• Don't look too hard at the shower head before you take a shower, you may change your mind.
• Don't sit on the toilet seat. You may have to go about it suspended mid air.
• Carry ear plugs. a lot happens in lodges that you rather not be party to!
• Certain calligraphy may be present in places of ease. learn to live with it.
• They don't serve breakfast in bed. Besides, you will want to escape the vermin in the said bed.
• Your room was designed by a minimalist... appreciate that little fact.